


The GOAT

by NoahRose27



Series: August Photo Challenge [21]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: David Rose is the GOAT, Goats, M/M, Patrick Brewer is a Troll, Wildlife
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:13:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26020198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoahRose27/pseuds/NoahRose27
Summary: Patrick and David take a vendor trip to the goat farm.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Series: August Photo Challenge [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1882732
Comments: 6
Kudos: 47





	The GOAT

**Author's Note:**

> Photo challenge - a photo of wildlife

“Mr. Kelley said that he has some new ideas for a product line, David. He’s been working on it for some time and was really excited when he called. He told me he even drew up a display plan,” said Patrick gently as he was driving them to the goat farm.

David looked slightly annoyed. “Well, I like Mr. Kelley, I really do. His goat products are some of our best sellers. Why did he call you? Usually he talks to me. You don’t have an idea what the new line is supposed to be? And a display plan? How does Mr. Kelley know how to display product in an immersive experience environment?”

“David, you’re missing the point. Mr. Kelley, as you said, is one of our best vendors. If he has a new idea, we owe it to him to listen to it. It could be good for the store. I just answered the phone the other day and you must have been at the Cafe. Either way, I’m excited to hear more.”

“Fine. Fine. I hope he has the new body milk scent ready.”

They were pulling into the farm and Mr. Kelley was already waving at them from one of the side pastures. David put on his smile-grimace and started to wave back saying, “I really was hoping we didn’t have to interact with his _wildlife_.”

“Be nice, David. Those goats are first, not _wildlife_ and second, the main staple of his business. Of course you’ll be supportive. I know you’ll be so good for me, won’t you David?” said Patrick _sotto voce_.

David shot Patrick a dirty look and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “That’s playing dirty and I simply won’t have it, Patrick.” Patrick just smiled knowing what that tone did to David and he used it at the worst, well, and the best times.

“Gentlemen! I am so excited you came out to visit. Thank you for doing this!” welcomed Mr. Kelley as he walked over still in the pasture. A group of goats followed him over.

Patrick and David got out of the car. “Of course, Mr. Kelley! David and I are excited to hear your new idea! You’re one of our best vendors. Now who do we have here?” smiled Patrick as he reached through the fence and started to scratch one of the goat’s heads.

David winced and made a small whine watching Patrick touch the goat. “Well, I’m glad you asked Patrick. This new fella is actually a feature component of my new line. Let me introduce you to DAVID THE GOAT!”

David let out a full shuddered nervous laugh, “OH, REALLY. Hahaha. Isn’t that so amazing. Patrick, isn’t that amazing. David the Goat. Did you hear? His name. His name is _David the Goat_.”

Patrick looked up with that bright, knowing teasing smile. “Aw, David, I did hear. That’s so cute. Mr. Kelley, did you name him after this David?” Because of course, Patrick is a troll and wanted to continue to torture David in this moment.

“Who else? I don’t know if you know this, but it’s funny that GOAT also is an acronym for ‘Greatest of all Time’ and that’s what I think of you, David. You’ve been so helpful to us here on our farm. To my wife and I, you are the GOAT.”

David looked perplexed. “Wow. The GOAT. I sure have been called a lot of things in my lifetime, but never a wild animal. I mean, I guess… thank you so much,” said David through a forced smile.

Patrick stood up and put his hand on the small of David’s back. David jumped away from him and gave him a glare that even made the goat bleat… “Are you touching me with your dirty wildlife hands? Patrick. Hands,” David forced out through clenched teeth as he squirted hand sanitizer on Patrick’s hands.

The trio walked up to the house. On the porch, there was a pitcher of lemonade, some lavender goat cheese, crackers and even some goat cheese brownies. “This looks delightful, thank you, Mr. Kelley.” David had willed himself to calm down and remember that this was an important vendor.

“Those brownies are new for us, but they’re also a part of my pitch. Do you like them?”

David bit into one and closed his eyes. “These are amazing. I mean, we’ve talked about how I’m not always a huge fan of goat cheese, but what you do with it is just simply divine. Maybe _you_ are really the GOAT! Hahahaha.”

“Oh honey, no, we’ve already established that _you_ are the GOAT. Don’t give that away so easily. David Rose, The Goat. I can see it on business cards now,” said Patrick with a twinkle in his eye as he looked at David. David just glared back.

“Okay. I want you to hear my thoughts on expanding our line with your namesake. Ready?”

Over the next 10 minutes, Mr. Kelley began to talk through his new product line idea. David tried hard to listen intently, but his brain was still caught up in this goat naming incident. But he was piecing together that Mr. Kelley’s plan was to have a line of new desserts all made of goat cheese, featuring his new prized goat. And the name of the line? “Delectable Desserts, by David the Goat”

Incorrect. This wasn’t happening. He was picturing everyone in Schitt’s Creek and the Dales asking for “David the Goat brownies”. Ew.

Patrick sat there, nodding along. He asked a few business related questions about margin and cost and shelf life. He was encouraging to Mr. Kelley and infuriating to David. “Well, you’ve thought through this from all angles, Mr. Kelley. It sounds like a great expansion idea. I love David the Goat desserts. They sound timeless…”

“So, David, what do you think? I even have drawn up the display that you could put into the store to feature all of the David the Goat products. See — here it is.”

Mr. Kelley handed over a crudely drawn sketch of a display showing placement of brownies, small cheesecakes and a pudding cup. David took the paper and nervously laughed, “Hahaha, this is… this is a great, well, start to consider. Um, what are these two circles? The ones up here?” asked David.

“Oh, glad that you asked. I’m hoping that as a favor to me, you’d be wiling to be featured with David. So, it’d be a logo — of David and David together! Isn’t that just brilliant!?”

“David! I love this for you. You could be on a logo! I think this is a winning idea.” exclaimed Patrick looking directly into David’s horror-stricken face. And then added, in that same tone, “You are so good, David. This will be so _good_.”

David couldn’t believe what was happening. A goat named after him. A prized vendor trying to pass off a new product line under that name. David being asked to be in a logo. Patrick fucking with him. Patrick using that voice.

Wait.

_Patrick fucking with him_. He slowly turned his head and narrowed his eyes. It was then he noticed the simliar twinkle in Mr. Kelley’s eyes and a small smile hiding on his face. He responded in a calm voice. “Well, Mr. Kelley, I think that this is a great idea. You know, it’s funny because recently I had another farm call and ask about some of their products being featured. Maybe we could do a whole theme and we could have David the Goat and Patrick the Pig.”

Patrick and Mr. Kelley both started belly laughing. “You caught us! Oh, David, if only we had a video camera to replay your reactions. You should have seen your face when Mr. Kelley said that the goat was named after you!”

Mr. Kelley coughed a little awkwardly, “Well, actually, it is. When you called me Patrick, I thought that the joke was so funny, but then the name stuck. Oh, and we really could make these brownies.”

“ _Patrick_ called _you_ , did he?”


End file.
